Things you should know

I invented avocado toast, but it was ahead of its time.

I believe in measuring with the heart, Cane’s sauce, and Oxford commas.

I was voted “most likely to be everyone’s boss” in 8th grade, but have since realized that leadership roles should be given to me only in the most dire circumstances.

I define “dire circumstance” as anything involving zombie viruses, poor grammar, and grilled chicken breasts that look more like pure carbon than food.

You shouldn’t ask me about Zelda, Star Wars, LOTR, or macaronage techniques unless you have at least 52 minutes to spare.

I only accept bribes in the form of million-dollar increments and kittens.

A professor once told me I could never have pink on my website because “it’s unprofessional.” So I made an unprofessional website.

This photo is outdated. I’m bald now.